


Lying On The Moon

by Andro-Android (grilledsneakers)



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Budding Love, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I swear this is happier than the tags make it look, Kawoshin - Freeform, M/M, Masturbation, Past Abuse, Roommates, Shinji gets drunk, Social Anxiety, he also has a hard time realizing he's very not straight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-11 21:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3334106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grilledsneakers/pseuds/Andro-Android
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After leaving a bad home situation, Shinji goes off to college only to realize his anxiety and distrust of others might be worse than he thought. So then if he wants to be alone, why does he find himself so drawn to his new roommate?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's Things I Wish I Knew

 Shinji had always been a nervous and anxiety ridden child, so it really was no surprise to himself when he turned out to be a nervous and anxiety ridden adult. His teenage years had absolutely been his worst years of his life and had no doubt given him the wrong ideas about how functioning adults should interact. Between his cold abusive father, being homeschooled, a drunk foster parent after being taken from his father's care, and a handful of other people who time and time again reminded him that he was less than a person in their eyes, Shinji grew up not really knowing what it truly meant to love someone and be loved in return.

After hitting absolute rock bottom, being unable to live with his depression day after day in a toxic environment, Shinji decided to apply to college as far away as possible. With his grades he wasn't really concerned about the workload, getting in, or really grants for that matter, it was the people he was terrified of. So on his first day of school when he was told he was living in a double with a roommate he thought he might puke.

When he walked into his new room there was no one there to greet him and he was glad. He looked around the room and his roommate had definitely been there. Posters hung neatly on the wall opposite his. The bed had a beautiful comforter with a photorealistic picture of the moon on it and matching pillows. Christmas lights were strung overhead and plugged into the corner right next to a keyboard. Various other trinkets, plants, and other things were placed around. It looked good. That was a person who had their life together, Shinji thought, and he _hated_ it.

He decided to start his own unpacking instead of thinking about it. However as he set his suitcase on the bed and started to unpack he couldn't help but notice he didn't really own a lot of things. A toothbrush, a fold up hamper, some clothes, a laptop, a towel, a few toiletries, a pillow, some bedding and a cassette player. That was it. He felt a little embarrassed looking at his side of the room. It had only taken him about 10 minutes to unpack and all he had to show for it was some sheets, an old blanket and one lone pillow.

He sighed and sat down on his bed and curled forward, his throat felt tight. What would his new roomate think of him? He was absolutely going to be laughed at. His room really reflected how pathetic he was. Oh no, this feeling. He was about to start panicing. Shinji's eyes darted all over the room taking in too many new stimuli at once. Oh god, what was he thinking? He didn't belong here. What made him think that he could actually be around other people?

The doorknob on his door rattled and opened slowly. Shinji jolted and stared wide-eyed at the boy in the doorway. He had beautiful white hair and pale skin. His clothes were really nice. Really nice. A button down shirt with a thick sweater over it and tight black jeans. He just looked...so well put together. Shinji was on the cusp of an attack but he had to make a good impression. That or face the reality that this other boy might be turned off of him forever.

“Ah! Hi, you must be my roommate. The RA said your name was Ikari, right?” he said closing the door behind him.

“Y-Yeah. I'm Shinji Ikari.” Shinji didn't know what to say. He felt a little queasy just looking at this guy.

“Hi, Kaworu Nagisa.” he smiled reaching his hand out to shake Shinji's. He hesitantly took the other boy's hand. It was soft, slender and surprisingly warm. It made his heart beat a little faster. When was the last time he had actually been touched kindly? He couldn't even remember anymore.

“I'm sorry, I was planning on being here when you got in so I could help you unpack. I guess my coffee run took a little longer than I expected.” He gestured to two small cans labeled 'MOCHA' in his other hand.

“I figured since it’s move-in day and all we could use a pick-me up.” He gently tossed one of the cans Shinji's way.

Shinji however, instinctively flinched and covered his face. Thoughts of all the times his father had thrown things at him flashed across his brain like a stuttering nightmare. The can clattered to the ground.

“Ah, I'm sorry. I should have given you a heads up. Here.” He gingerly placed the other can in Shinji's hand.

The boy avoided eye contact. This was someone who wanted something. People never did something without wanting something in return.

“Are you okay?” The silence was deafening as Shinji felt a lump raise in his throat. Was he happy or furious? The two were immobilized in the tension for what seemed like hours.

“Why are you being nice?” The whole thing was suspicious to him. What could this guy possibly gain from Shinji? Shinji had nothing to offer.

“Am I? Well we're going to be living together so we should at least start out on a good foot. So I guess I'm extending the olive branch, as they say.” Kaworu picked up the other coffee and opened it with a soft smile. Shinji cautiously opened up his drink, not making eye contact with his new roommate.

“T-Thank you.”

* * *

 

The first few days of classes were fine. Shinji was able to go on with classes and start his life as a university student. Wake up, go to class, eat, study, eat, sleep, repeat. The routine was something that he needed in his life. The only thing that seemed to be going wrong was interacting with his classmates. He really wanted to slip under the radar but for some reason, when he succeeded he felt like absolute shit. It was the first week and already everyone had made friends.

It was bad enough that he was feeling this way, but the fact that his new roommate was constantly trying to spend time with him made him feel weird. Everyday it was something. Lunch, studying in the library, going out for dinner. At least once a day Kaworu would try to get him to do something together but Shinji refused every single one. He wanted to be around somebody, but the fact that he was too anxious to do so made him feel broken.

It was a Friday and it seemed like everyone was running around getting ready to spend time together. As he passed by the groups of friends hanging out on the quad he felt himself get more and more angry. By the time he got back to his room all he could do was slam the door, throw his backpack and curl up on his bed. He put his headphones in and started his tape player up. He stayed like that for the next two hours until his tape player inevitably died.

‘ _Great the only thing I own and it’s complete garbage._ ’ was all he could think. As Shinji took his headphones out he couldn’t help but notice the sounds of laughter and heavy bass music leaking through his walls. His heart rate instantly spiked.

Oh God, there were so many people around that he had never noticed before, and they were all so close. He began to sweat and shiver. So close. Everyone was so close to him and even when he was isolated he couldn’t escape it. Even though he wanted to be with them he couldn’t.

Shinji’s breathing became irregular and labored. A panic attack. He was having a panic attack but was completely unable to move. To be honest he knew he should have expected it after not having one since moving in.

Footsteps approached from down the hall and stopped at the door. All Shinji wanted to do was scream for them to go away at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately all that came out were hot stinging tears and heavy breathing. He could hear his roommate and a few unknown voices laughing. They were going to see him and then everyone would know. He waited silently in the dark for all hope of ever making friends to be crushed.

Kaworu opened the door a crack and looked in, ready to let his friends in the room, that was when he and Shinji locked eyes. Trembling, muttering, wet tracks running down his cheeks, Shinji had to look pitiful. But instead of Kaworu letting his friends in the room he immediately closed the door. Shinji waited to hear all of them erupt into laughter.

_“Hey guys, I forgot my roommate isn’t feeling well today. How about another time?”_

There were some muttered affirmations before the sound of shuffling feet faded into the distance. Why? Why did he do that?

Before there was really time to think about it, Kaworu entered the room, plugged in his christmas lights and strided over to Shinji with conviction. Shinji’s breathing came shorter and faster. Was Kaworu going to hit him? A few small whimpers tumbled out of his lips between tears.

He kneeled in front of Shinji to get eye level with him. His face was stern but worried.Gently, he placed his hand on Shinji’s arm.

“Tell me how I can help you.”

No one had ever tried to help him before. He honestly wasn’t quite sure himself. What did he always do for himself when it got like this?

“...p-p-p-p-pan-n-nic at-t-t-ttack… n-need music.” Was all he could really manage at the moment.

It took Kaworu less than a second to get up and put the electric kettle on. After that he moved over to his computer and woke it up. A moment of fiddling later soft calm music started playing just as the kettle chimed.

Shinji sat shivering and looking at his feet, not sure what to make of Kaworu’s helpful nature. A half-full cup of tea was placed into his hands by the white haired boy. There he was, kneeling in front of him again.

“Do you want to talk about what’s going through your mind?” That concern was still painted all over his face. Shinji couldn’t stop himself from spilling everything right then and there. Everything from his time in foster care to his dad to his fear of people resulting from it but mostly his immense loneliness. The whole time Kaworu gave him affirmation of his emotions and would ask if he could keep touching his arm. By the time Shinji had finished his tea he had significantly calmed down. It had been half an hour, but it had been something he needed.

After Kaworu took his empty cup he helped pull Shinji’s blanket up around the sobbing boy’s shoulders. The familiar object was soothing to him, so Shinji pulled it tightly around himself.

The most recent song on Kaworu’s computer started to wind down. Sniffling, Shinji scooched back on his bed to lean his back against the wall. “Would you...put this song on repeat?” He asked quietly. Kaworu smiled softly, “Of course.”

After he toyed with with his computer a moment a small voice mumbled behind him.

“What was that?” he asked calmly, turning back to the the boy wrapped in blankets.

“Would you… please keep holding me?” His face was almost as red as his eyes. Of course Kaworu agreed. He got up on the bed and put an arm around Shinji’s twitching shoulders. “Is this okay?” He whispered getting a nod back.

They sat listening to the song for a little bit. “You like this song?” Another small nod. “This is Karen O. It's called The Moon Song. It’s one of my favorites. My friend back home put this on a mix CD for me.” They sat in silence, just listening for a few minutes. Feeling someone else’s warmth against him was wonderful. just the presence of someone else was something new but it was the calmest Shinji had ever been

“You know Shinji… I was actually in foster care for most of my life. Until just recently actually. I was lucky to be adopted at the age I was.” Shinji looked up at him with shock. He hadn’t met very many people who had similar experiences, so the news was very huge for him. He had a million questions to ask him later.

“I’ve had my share of bad experiences while I was there. It’s really easy to feel alone when you don’t have anyone or anything or really anywhere to call yours… I’m so sorry that happened to you. Everything. You didn’t deserve that.” His fingers gently squeezed at Shinji’s shoulder.

At that moment he just couldn’t help it. Shinji’s shoulders began to shake with silent sobs once again and he buried his face into this virtual stranger’s shoulder. Over and over Kaworu told Shinji it was okay and that he had every right to feel what he was feeling. That wasn’t why he was crying. He was crying because for the first time in his life he felt like he was okay.

The two stayed like that for a long while. Eventually Shinji started to nod off to the feeling of Kaworu’s thumb rubbing his arm. He instinctively leaned in closer when he felt Kaworu shift. “A little longer.” He never wanted the feeling to end. At that moment he never wanted to Kaworu to leave.

He couldn’t see the gentle curve of Kaworu’s lips turn into a smile. “Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

 

The following weeks sharing a room with Kaworu were confusing and unsettling at times for Shinji. Whereas Shinji was shy and slow to really trust people Kaworu was fairly popular and well liked. What that meant for Shinji was strange people in and out of his room more often than he liked. But the nice thing about it was that Kaworu was insistent that Shinji be included in whatever they were doing. If they ordered food, he made sure there was enough for Shinji to have some too. If they played a game, Kaworu always asked if he wanted to play. Although for a long while Shinji really didn't want to take part in much of anything, it was really the thought that counted, which was really more than he'd ever had.

The most important thing his new roomate did for him however, was pick up on when Shinji felt anxious without fail every single time and doing something about it. If that meant asking his friends to leave, so be it. After they would leave Kaworu would make a pot of tea and claim he had to practice piano for a little while. And every single time it worked like a charm.

Shinji would prop himself up in bed and drink a cup of whatever Kaworu decided to brew, put in his headphones and pretend to listen to his tape player while Kaworu played his keyboard and shuffled through sheet music. Every once in a while Kaworu would smile at him and gesture to the teapot, or ask if he was doing alright and if he needed anything.

It was that sense of caring and compassion that won over this heart. By the middle of the semester there was no doubt that Kaworu was Shinji's best friend. Little by little Shinji let Kaworu drag him out places to see people at coffee shops, music venues or even just other people's rooms. He finally had someone that he trusted candidly without a second thought. For the first time ever Shinji had friends. For the first time in maybe his life, he was truly happy.

* * *

 

“Hey Shinji, I'm home.” Kaworu sighed contentedly tossing his backpack onto his bed.

“Welcome back. How was class?' Shinji was laid out face down on his bed with his laptop finishing up a paper.

“Come on, you should have had that finished hours ago.” Kaworu ran over to the bed and jumped on his friend making a small 'Oof.' squeak out of his throat.

“I'm just checking it over again. Get off!” The demand was half hearted and covered up by a small fit of chuckling.

Playfully slapping Shinji's back a couple of times, Kaworu burst into a grin. “It's Friday! We're going out tonight! Just send in your paper and then we're going to get dressed and have some drinks with Touji and the girls before we go out.” Shinji let his roommate shake him a few times as he e-mailed his paper in. It wouldn't matter if he skipped proofreading half of it just this once.

“Okay! Okay! Done! Pick out some clothes for me then!”

“You got it, Shinji.” Shinji really didn't have very many cool looking clothes and for some reason Kaworu liked dressing him up when they went out, and Shinji liked it just as much.

Being able to smell Kaworu on him was just so comforting. He didn't really understand why it made his stomach do gymnastics. The feeling was almost crippling at times. This was what he assumed having a best friend must have felt like.

Watching Kaworu lay out different pants and cardigans, there was a gleam in the pale boy's eyes. A tight, but not unpleasant feeling settled in Shinji's gut. Normally for him, that meant panic but lately he had come to associate it with something new that he really didn’t understand.

“Damn it. I lent Kensuke my notes and forgot to get them back. I'm going to run down and do that really quick. I'll be right back, Kaworu!” There was no way he was going to remember tomorrow. But more importantly he needed to step out for a second. Kaworu smiled sweetly back at him. “Okay, hurry back.”

Kensuke's room was only down a few floors so it didn't take Shinji that long to get where he needed to be. He knocked on his friend's door and waited for an answer.

Kensuke probably felt worse than he looked, which was already pretty bad. If he didn't have the flu, he probably would be getting ready to go out with the group, but thank God he wasn't.

“Hey, Ikari. Thanks for letting me borrow the notes from yesterday. You're a life saver. Let me grab your notebook real quick.” He was stuffy sounding and he wheezed between words.

“No problem. After this you should probably get some sleep.” Mostly he just wanted to end their interaction quickly. He couldn't afford to get sick this close to finals.

“Here you go. I promise I didn't sneeze on it or anything.” Great. Somehow he really didn't believe that.

“So where are you guys going out tonight?” Shinji felt like the least he could do was fill Kensuke in on what he was going to be missing.

“Oh, um, there's a party somewhere on Greek row that Kaworu really wants to check out! I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. Kaworu hasn't seemed this excited about going out in a long time.” A smile gently touched his features.

“ _Ohhhhhhhh_ , Touji told me about Nagisa's little conquest.” Kensuke chuckled between sloppy coughs.

“Conquest? I don't really understand...”

A mischievous grin crawled across Kensuke's dehydrated lips.

“Apparently Nagisa has his eye on someone going to the party. I guess he's going to try making a move tonight.” Another few wet coughs directed into his sleeve. “Or at least that's what he told Touji. You better be a good wingman, Ikari! Text me about it later. But for now I seriously gotta go lay down.” After a brief and distracted goodbye, Shinji wandered back to the elevator.

Kaworu liked someone? And he didn't even bother to tell Shinji about it? His stomach felt like it was falling. A twinge of anger pricked at the back of his mind. There was another strange and foreign sensation. It was almost like his feelings were hurt, but different somehow. All he knew was that this information registered as bad. He would just have to ask about what Kensuke said when he got back.

As soon as he got back to the room, a bundle of clothes was offered to him. There almost wasn't enough time to even put his notebook down.

“Here, go try these on.” Kaworu had several items of clothing that he handed over to Shinji one by one. “Pants, shirt, cardigan, and here's a scarf that might look nice but we'll see once you've tried it on.” Shinji had a bone to pick with him and he was ready to bring up His roommate's little 'conquest', but then Kaworu's soft smile hit him like a ton of bricks. All feelings of betrayal melted away and it all felt alright.

Well maybe he wasn't completely alright. Begrudgingly he accepted the clothes. “Okay. Give me a minute and I'll be right out.” Shinji made his way to their attached bathroom and began undressing. Looking over the clothes laid out on the counter he smiled at the flamboyant nature of the scarf. It was bright orange with yellow designs on it. Absolutely not his style at all.

“Is this really what you wear to pick up girls? This seems a bit...silly.” The idea of wearing something so bright and drawing attention to himself was a little terrifying. After a moment of consideration Shinji realized that the thought of Kaworu picking up girls was a little...

“By the way... speaking of girls, Kensuke told me that there was going to be a girl at this party that you were going to try to...um...get... together with tonight.” He prodded through the closed door as he changed.

There was a shy laugh. “Ah, if you don't like that scarf you don't have to wear it. It is a little... bold.” There was a pause and Shinji wondered if Kaworu was just going to ignore what he had said.

“And I mean you're partially right I guess but... that's not the type of person I would normally... Wait... Um, Shinji? I have a kind of important question… Do you... still think that I'm attracted to girls?” On the other side of the door Shinji stood making eye contact with his reflection in the full length mirror, only dressed from the waist up.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t...I?”

He heard Kaworu sigh on the other side of the door. “Shinji I… I know I’ve said this to- well maybe not _to_ you but _in front_ of you before. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard me…”

His eyes flickered all over his face trying to replay what Kaworu said. What did he even mean?

He muttered a nervous, “Sorry, I guess I missed it.”

Shinji could hear Kaworu take a few deep breaths on the other side of the door. He’d never witnessed him act this way before. “Kaworu? Are you okay?”

“Shinji… Shinji I’m gay. O-or at the very least I’ve never found a girl I’ve felt that way about…”

The tension in the air made it almost hard to breathe. Shinji had never really met a gay person before. He wasn’t sure what to think.

“I'm sorry I didn't quite hear you. W-What was that, Kaworu?”

“Oh, that t-the scarf is a little ridiculous?”

“No, Kaworu that’s- the _other_ thing! You _know_ what I mean!”

“I'm ...gay?”

“Yes! That thing! You never thought to mention something like that to me?! How can you just-?! I-I don't know. It's fine.” It was not fine. How could he not tell him something so crucial? Didn't Kaworu trust him?

“Y-You didn’t know!?I thought you knew! All of the others know! I'm sorry, I swear I thought I had mentioned it to...er... _n-near_ you… Okay, so _maybe_ I was a little afraid to tell you and maybe I just… put it off too long.” He apologized. But anything that he might have said after that was white noise to Shinji. Kaworu wasn't attracted to women.

“...gay?” he whispered to himself. Why did that make him feel so relieved? The ache in his abdomen surged again and all of the blood rushed to his face.

“Ah, Shinji are you okay in there? I hope this isn't...weird? I'm so embarrassed. I really hoped that you’d just kind of… hear it and I wouldn’t have to be so… direct.”

“So you just put off telling me something like this? That's so-...! No, it's fine. I'm sorry, Kaworu. It’s just a little shock is all... I'm just going to finish getting dressed. Don’t worry about it.” Even if Shinji was unsure how to quite process this, Kaworu was still all he really had.

“Okay, fantastic. W-Well I, uh, want to grab my jacket that Touji borrowed. Should I wait for you to finish or should I just go grab it now?” Kaworu's voice was muffled but Shinji could tell that there was still a twinge of wariness and embarrassment.

Shinji maintained eye contact with his reflection, his breathing becoming a little labored. “Oh! Just go run and grab it now. I'll finish up in the meantime!”

“Excellent! Um... So, yeah feel free to use anything of mine you want. I'll be back in a few. It shouldn't take long.”

Shinji didn't even hear him leave, he was too engrossed in whatever this new information meant for him. Gay. He brought the scarf up to his face and inhaled. Kaworu's scent swam through his entire being bringing back that sense of calm. But mostly it lingered in the form of that knot in his stomach again. Wait, that wasn't his stomach.

His reflection was red in the face, and for good reason. Even though it wasn't fully formed, there was no denying it – Shinji had an erection.

' _Why now..._ ' Sex had never been something that he thought about a lot. Sure he had hormones and he took care of them very frequently, but now that he thought of it what was he attracted to? He had always thought of women as his sexual preference. That’s what he had always been told anyway, so that meant he was straight, right?

Without much thought, he brushed over his hard-on a few times before finally reaching into his boxer-briefs giving a few tentative pumps. Looking himself over once or twice he let his eyelids flutter closed. A warm tingling rolled over his hips and thighs for a moment forcing him to use an arm to brace himself against the counter. A guttural grunt leaked out of his throat and between gritted teeth. The more strained than erotic sound reverberated against the tiled walls and back into his own ears.

' _What am I doing? What am I doing?_ '

' _Touji told me about Nagisa's little conquest._ ' ' _Nagisa has his eye on someone going to the party. I guess he's going to try making a move tonight._ '

His eyes shot open.

What _was_ he doing? He gasped and pulled his hand away like it had been palming a hot coal. The realization of what he was doing scared him. Taking deep breaths, his heart's rapid thumping made him feel sick. Holding eye contact with himself once more he began to grow angry.

“You're disgusting.” He whispered shakily. There was a quick anger bubbling within him. The scarf was ripped off of his neck, balled up and violently thrown at the counter. Kaworu's various toiletries were knocked all across the counter and floor. He stood for a moment and looked at his mess.

“Fuck. What are you doing? He's your friend. How could you...” Tears stung behind his eyes and he choked out a small wavering sob. Crying wasn't going to accomplish anything, but God did it feel like the right reaction. It didn't even make sense. He wasn't upset with Kaworu, but he felt like he’d been hurt like he'd never experienced before. As he calmed down, Shinji decided it would be best to pick up Kaworu's things. The bottles of body spray and mouthwash were lined up again and made neat.

Every inch of Shinji's body tingled with emptiness. It seemed to move on its own when pulling his pants on, combing his hair, brushing his teeth. There wasn't a lot grounding him in reality. But by the time a gentle knock tapped at the door, Shinji was ready to go out there and fake it.

“Shinji? Are you ready to go?” Kaworu’s voice held no urgency, like usual he was trying his best to put Shinji back into a comfortable headspace.

The door swung open slowly. There stood Shinji with a half smile looking down at his clothes. “Thanks, I really like these…Listen… I’m sorry about a minute ago. I just overreacted. I feel l-”

“No, Shinji listen, there’s something-”

_**BAM BAM BAM** _

The pounding on their front door made both boy’s jump. With really no warning Touji charged into their room in a weekend fueled surge of energy. Kaworu opened his mouth to say something, possibly to ask Touji to leave for a moment. But before anything could be said Touji shoved a bottle of Vodka into Shinji’s arms and yanked Kaworu up over his shoulder.

“T-Touji what are you- WOAH, _c-careful_!” Kaworu squirmed trying to either get free or at least in a position he felt more safe in.

“You’re both takin’ too long, s’now I have to come get you. Hikari, Ayanami and Asuka are back in the suite waiting so let’s gooooo!” Behind Touji’s agitation it was very obvious that he was already a little drunk. Shinji looked at the partially empty bottle fondly. “Are you still trying to impress Hikari?” he chuckled faintly, following Touji into the hallway and locking the room up behind them.

“Yeah! I finally got her to agree to come out with us! And tonight I’m finally going to tell her how I feel!” It was pretty cute. Touji had been absolutely nuts for her since the day they met and everyone had noticed. “Well I’m glad for you. It’s about time.” Shinji smiled as they approached the elevator.

“It’s not easy! Kaworu knows what I’m talking about! _Ehh_!?” Touji laughed gruffly giving Kaworu a few shakes. The pale boy’s panicked eyes immediately went to Shinji’s face searching for a reaction. That’s right, he had almost managed to push the fact that Kaworu was going to try and hook up with some mystery guy out of his head for a second.

Shinji’s countenance subtly soured. He couldn't help it. Every time he thought about it it made him feel awful. And the fact that he had just found out about it an hour ago just added salt to the wound.

“Hey! Feel free to drink as much of that as you want! You guys are behind on pregaming! Ehhhh c’mon Ikari! Let’s see you let loose for once!” Their oafish friend swayed a little bit trying to get into the elevator and seemed as though he might finally drop Kaworu. Once again Kaworu and Shinji locked eyes for a moment, and once again Kaworu looked horrified.

“Oh, uh Touji. Shinji really doesn't drink, remember? So don’t try to force him.” Kaworu said as lovingly as he could. Shinji was still upset though. If he didn’t know Kaworu as well as he thought he did then there was no way he was going to let Kaworu feel like he knew everything about Shinji.

“Well tonight seems like a good night for firsts.” Shinji said flatly. Making eye contact with his roommate again, he unscrewed the cap of the plastic handle of vodka, took three large gulps and slammed his hand against the button for Touji’s floor. Almost instantly Shinji’s face scrunched up from the burning in his mouth and throat. Why did people drink this? Kaworu looked upset and seemed like he wanted to say something, but Touji was immediately cheering Shinji on. Who knew, maybe getting drunk would make him feel better or at least forget that the day even happened. Besides if so many people got drunk, then it had to be fun, right?


	2. There's No Thing I'd Keep From You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back after too long! Sorry! Had to arrange some beta things, but I'm back!

The group got back to Touji’s room and were greeted with cheers from Asuka and Hikari, who had very obviously been drinking. Normally Asuka wouldn’t have been so bubbly, but between however much she had to drink and her best friend Hikari being there she was beaming like an idiot. It was kind of unusual for Shinji to see.

‘ _Even Asuka’s in a good mood._ ’ Shinji thought. ‘ _So why can’t I be?_ ’

Touji threw Kaworu onto his beanbag chair with a triumphant battle cry. The girls squealed with laughter and Touji went on to flex over his disoriented friend. Shinji couldn’t help but crack a smile and laugh coyly.

He pulled the chair out from Touji’s desk and sat down, still cradling the vodka in his arms. The taste of it still clung to the inside of his mouth and God did it taste bad.

“Hey is there something to drink to get the alcohol taste out of my mouth?” Shinji piped up, breaking through the laughter. Asuka gave him a devilish smile and grabbed a thermos off of the floor. “What kind of idiot just drinks vodka straight? Here, try some of this.” She tossed it to him but really only succeeded in hitting him in the shoulder.

A small wince of pain crossed his face as he picked the container up and opened it. “Um so what is this?” He asked smelling the inside of the thermos. Whatever it was it was bright red and fruity.

“It’s sweet and easy to drink and that’s all you need to know.” She chided gesturing for him to drink up.

“Ikari, you might not want to drink that. There’s alcohol in there.” Rei said a little timidly. He did have a record of sobriety after all. But right at that moment if there was alcohol in it that was absolutely fine. (As long as it didn’t taste like it…)

His features were touched by determination as he took a few hearty gulps. If Asuka hadn’t told him there was alcohol in the drink he honestly wouldn’t have ever guessed.

“Wow, Asuka. That tastes really good. Could I maybe have more?” he poised himself to take another sip the moment he got his answer.

“Well, well, well. Look who decided to put on his big boy pants. Have the rest if you want, but you might want to slow down. That’s some pretty strong stuff. It's called K.O. Punch for a reason.”

But it was useless. Shinji was already chugging down another few mouthfuls of the dangerous nectar.

"Shinji, don't drink so much. You're going to get sick!" Kaworu struggled to sit up in the beanbag chair. Shinji really couldn't help but cock an eyebrow. Was his drinking upsetting Kaworu? A little part of him felt affirmed. Maybe that little part of him wanted to make Kaworu upset to some extent.

Asuka grimaced in Kaworu's general direction. "Nagisa you need to stop worrying about every single thing!" It was the first time they all had really been able to drink with Shinji and there was no way Kaworu was going to break it up so fast.

"Are you _trying_ to halt the fun, Nagisa? I think you know what that means." Touji rubbed his hands together and cherished the look on his friend's face. Kaworu knew what was coming.

"Sit on Karl! Sit on Karl! Sit on Karl!" The chanting started with Asuka but Hikari quickly caught on, then Rei and eventually even Shinji.

"Come on guys. Don't call me Ka- _OOF_ " Just as their chant promised, Touji let himself fall backwards onto their mildly frustrated friend. "Touji you're so heavy! You're going to kill me if you don't move." he laughed, playfully slapping Touji on the stomach a few times.

“Ahhh so violent! Such an angry boy!” he laughed rolling onto the floor.

“By the way, Kaworu do you want a drink? I have more of that punch and that vodka if you want.” He seemed to think about it for a moment as he straightened the jacket Toji had undoubtedly wrinkled. “Hmm, is my beer still here from last time? I don’t want to get super drunk right away.”

“Yeah no problem. Uh, Hikari? Could you hand our sweet Karl one of the bottles under the bed. Yeah they’re just there by your feet.” Giving Touji a small smile she rolled a few beers across the floor toward Kaworu’s feet.

The dopey smile on Touji’s face could be seen from the moon and Shinji couldn’t help but notice how cute his friend's crush on Hikari was. It gave him a warm feeling in his chest to see them laughing and blushing at one another from across the room even though they weren’t talking much.

As he brought the thermos back to his mouth he realized something. “Woahhhh Ikari! Did you finish that whole thing?!” Touji laughed in amazement. Oh no. Did he? Shinji nervously peered inside. Now that he thought about it he felt very...wiggly? Woah, yeah he was was definitely dizzy, so why was he smiling so hard?

Rei covered a small smile that managed to cross her lips.“Oh gosh. He really did, didn’t he?” The rest of the group started cheering and chugging what was left of their own drinks.

“So Shinji, how do you feel?” asked Hikari. How did he feel? Actually, he felt amazing! “I don’t know. I like it! I-I feel like I want to go do something!”

“Heh, give that alcohol in your gut a while and you’ll be singing a different tune.” And maybe Asuka was right, but Shinji wanted to ride this good feeling for as long as he could.

“Nah, he’s right! I want to go hit the Greek Row party! Come on, let’s go before this one has time to drink anything else.” Touji laughed giving Shinji a brief noogie. It made him blush a little to have so much attention directed his way. He looked over to Kaworu who just finished chugging the rest of his beer. The two of them smiled at each other for a moment.

“What the heck. Let’s do it. I’m feeling pretty alright.” Shinji was glad to see Kaworu lighten up. Maybe they would wind up enjoying themselves. Everybody got their things together and prepared to leave. Meanwhile Shinji was doing his best to stand up without swaying into anything.

Lucky for him, Kaworu was by his side in a second, ready to steady him if need be. “No no no, I’m fine. Don’t worry. But um...could we maybe take the elevator?”

* * *

 

The walk over to the frat wasn’t a very long one, just a few blocks away from their dorm. Everyone was taking their time seeing as it was pretty nice out (not to mention most of them were some level of intoxicated).

They all seemed to break off into twos. Asuka and Rei led the bunch, showing each other things on their phones. Behind them were Touji and Hikari, smiling and talking softly to each other. At some point (Shinji wasn’t sure when) Touji had put his jacket over her shoulders.

That of course left the two boys straggling behind everyone else, partially due to Shinji having to savour how funny walking felt at that very moment.

“Look at them, they’re so cute. When are they going to realize it’s a mutual thing?” Kaworu sighed a little. As long as Shinji had known him Kaworu had been one of those romantic types. Sappy movies, poetry, they were all things Kaworu took an interest in very publicly. This really was no different.

But he had to admit, they really were cute. It just seemed like they enjoyed each other’s company quite a bit. “You’re right. They really seem like they go well together.”

As the two boys walked in silence Shinji could feel Kaworu’s fingers brush against his hand a few times. Excitement swelled within him and his heart felt like an engine being revved. After just a short moment it brought color to his face again.

“Oh Kaworu, your hand is bumping mine. You should-hey seriously, tell me if I don’t-if I don't give you enough room on the sidewalk.” Shinji did his best not to slur any words, but his best didn’t seem to be good enough. At this point though, he couldn't even quite tell that he was slurring words. If he had been more sober, he would have also noticed Kaworu’s smile slowly disappear from his face.

“That was my bad. I’m just not watching where I’m going, I guess.” With every single bit of his being Shinji wanted it to happen again. He just really really wanted to touch Kaworu for some reason. But even with how drunk he was he knew that wasn’t an option because… Wait, why couldn’t they do that? Oh...right…

“So Kaworu… Can we-can we talk about this guy you like please?” Goodbye filter, hello drunk prying. Kaworu’s eyes shifted away from Shinji and he stuffed his hands in his pockets. Shinji frowned a little. All he really wanted was for those hands to be out in the open touching his.

“Shinji I-I don’t know. I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” It was almost half a block before either of them spoke again.

“I want you to know that I’m not mad. Do you think I’m mad? Well like I was but like that was- that was not...not very okay to do, okay? I don’t know why I was mad besides the fact you didn’t tell me. But how come-why didn’t you tell me though?” Oh man, the more he talked the more he could feel his mouth just giving up on making words.

“That’s very nice Shinji but let’s just… How about we talk about it later. We’re almost at the party. Let’s just have fun okay?” There was that smile again. Shinji couldn’t help but get a shy smile on his own face again. Why did he feel how he did? It had only seemed to be getting worse ever since he met Kaworu and it was getting to the point where it was starting to feel like too much somehow. That beautiful smile just drove him crazy.

As they approached the frat they began to pick up the pace. There was no doubt that they were both excited to dance and socialize (well maybe Shinji was there strictly for the dancing). The inside of the frat house was dark and lit up with various party lights and colorful lasers. At any other time it would have been too much for Shinji to deal with but he just needed to dance. For some reason anxiety wasn't rearing it's ugly head, so he intended to make the most of it.

The two lost sight of their friends but that didn’t stop them from pushing their way into the frat’s makeshift dance floor. They were situated near the wall, and Shinji was glad that he had something to lean against every now and then. Even though he was quickly realizing that maybe he was more drunk than he should be, Shinji couldn’t help but dance to the music.

There was something about it that left him moving muscles he hadn’t used in ages in ways they had probably never moved before. He was off in his own world jumping up and down and screaming joyously over deafening bass. Every so often he bumped into people (which normally would have left him reeling and panicking) but everyone there seemed to be really into it, lucky for him. After losing himself in however many songs, he eventually looked back to Kaworu and he couldn't take his eyes away.

The pale boy moved like a snake, fluid motions that seemed effortless. Shinji may have been drunk but he could still tell that he wasn’t the only one watching Kaworu. He could see the sweat dripping down his roommate’s temple and neck. Shoulders moving rhythmically as he shifted his weight occasionally to the balls of his feet. Hips rolling in time to the music. In short, Shinji had never seen someone look so appealing.

After another song or two he noticed his personal space gradually being invaded by the person next to him. She was actually pretty cute, he had to admit. Under any other circumstances Shinji would have immediately retreated. She was intimidatingly pretty and had an aura of confidence. His worst nightmare. Shinji leaned in to tell her that she was getting a little too close to him, but she cut him off immediately.

“HEY I’M NAOMI. SAW YOU OVER THERE. YOU’RE REALLY CUTE.” she yelled through the thick thrumming of bass. Shinji was confused. He wasn’t cute. Small and weak, yes, but cute, no. Maybe she was drunk too. “I...THANK YOU, BUT I DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND.”

“I’M ASKING IF YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME.” she smirked back in response.   
No. He really didn’t. There was really only one person he wanted to dance with. He’d been trying to ignore it all night but he was drunk and at the point where he didn’t care anymore.

“SORRY, BUT I’M...UH I’M HERE WITH SOMEONE BUT THANK YOU.” Was it a lie? He was there with Kaworu after all and they were dancing together. Sure, maybe a little distance came up between them, which mostly had to do with the erratic stumbling he was calling dancing.

Naomi smiled at him and briefly apologized as he did the same. A tingle ran through him at the thought of Kaworu being the person he came to the party with. Kind of like a...date? A grin spread across his face involuntarily. Maybe going to dance with Kaworu didn’t sound so bad. He started to make a beeline for his friend.

That was when he noticed a stranger slowly but surely dancing up to Kaworu. The two exchanged smiles and a few words that Kaworu probably even had trouble hearing. Why did Shinji hate seeing this? Why did- No. He knew why. All night he had been wondering why but maybe this drunken mindset was exactly what he needed to be honest with himself, and maybe even Kaworu.

He had some kind of feelings for Kaworu. Feelings that went beyond just friends or roommates. Even though he had almost no experience to speak of, Shinji was almost positive that he liked him in... a romantic way.

Without waiting any longer Shinji danced up to the two of them to break up whatever was going on as sneakily as possible.

“HEY, KAWORU! I LIKE THIS MUSIC! WE SHOULD-WE SHOULD PLAY THIS WHEN WE STUDY ALL THE TIME!” He shouted, possibly to no avail. Kaworu looked between his new dance partner and his roommate. “UM, T-TRAP MUSIC? YOU WANT TO STUDY TO...TO TRAP MUSIC? I MEAN...THAT’S A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM YOUR CAT POWER PLAYLIST…” he mused back just as loud.

Now that Shinji was actually standing between them, the cause of a now awkward tension, he wasn’t quite sure how to continue. “OH, UH KAWORU, DO YOU WANNA GO OUTZIDE FOR JUST A SECOND RIGHT NOW?” Again Kaworu looked between his drunk roommate and the other obviously confused boy. “UH, OKAY SURE. LET’S GO OUT TO THE PORCH. SORRY JUST GIVE US A SECO-WOAH SHINJI HOLD UP!”

Before Kaworu could really even finish, the very intoxicated brunette was pushing him towards the front door. “IT WAS GREAT MEETING YOU.” Shinji blurted out in the other boy’s face venomously. As far as he was concerned this was a victory. (But he knew Kaworu would be giving him an earful tomorrow.)

“S-Shinji calm down! What’s wrong?” Kaworu giggled a little bit as he was shoved all the way out to the porch by his (incredibly weak) friend. Out on the lawn was a large group of students shouting and drinking. Among them were Touji and Hikari who gave the boys a small wave of acknowledgement.

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong! You di-you didn’t even introduce me to the guy and then--and then you just start _dancing_!” Yep. This was going to happen here and now.

Kaworu, extremely puzzled, wrinkled his face up in confusion. “The guy in there just now? You mean Daichi, my chem lab partner?”

“Oh so he’s just your _lab partner_ then.” He sputtered, sarcastically throwing air quotes. If Kaworu was confused before, he was damn befuddled now. “I can’t believe that you like that-that-that joker!! That _Daichi_!” While Shinji had never really used the word ‘joker’ outside of playing cards, it seemed like a good time to start.

“Shinji that’s not the guy. He’s just my-I can’t believe I’m defending talking to my lab partner! Especially when you’re this drunk!” His countenance became bitter and he put his hands on his forehead trying to wrap his mind around Shinji’s ridiculous accusations.

“Really, then who! Huh? Just tell me so that I don’t feel so...weird!!” He felt sick partially from yelling at his best friend, and partially from the copious amounts of booze.

“I told you! W-We’ll talk about it later!”

“I won’t be able to feel not...weird until you just tell me! Telling me a name is jus’ so easy! Talk to me like a person!”

Kaworu leaned back against the porch’s handrail and rubbed his face in his hands. Oh no, this wasn’t what he wanted. Now Kaworu was upset and Shinji was too drunk to know when to stop. Guilt heavier than a cinder block settled in his stomach. His gears rapidly switched from aggressive to meek and ashamed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s _you_ , you hard headed child.” Kaworu sighed, trilling his lips.

The hamster on the wheel powering Shinji’s brain was either just as drunk as he was or dead because he could not understand what Kaworu just said.

"Wait whadid-whadid I do?"

Kaworu was redder than a beet and obviously more than a little frustrated.

"Shinji I have a _crush_ on you. I like you. I want to date you. I want to ki- How plainly can I say this?" He said carefully and slowly annunciating the words.

Kaworu liked him. So that meant Shinji had been the mystery guy all along? Oh god. Oh god! His world was spinning. The feeling in his stomach came back in full force. No... Wait... Uh oh.

Shinji lurched forward, grabbed the porch’s railing, and leaned over it. Without missing a beat, Kaworu was there holding Shinji up and making sure that none of his clothes or other items were in the line of fire. He patted his friend's back as he retched and heaved into the bushes below. Luckily Kaworu was able to wave Touji over to help him.

If Shinji had been able to focus on anything besides all the unpleasantness associated with vomiting he would have been mortified. But at that moment he could only think of how his throat stung and how much worse his vomit could have tasted had he not drank half a liter of alcoholic punch. Although if he hadn't done that he probably wouldn't have puked at all...

"Ka...Kaworu... I didn't mean to thrrrRRROow up… We should keep… keep talking..." Shinji gagged, spitting into the bushes several times. Kaworu and Touji were already pulling Shinji’s arms around their shoulders to walk him back to the dorm. “It’s okay, you’re okay. Let’s get you home.” His roommate cooed worriedly.

Touji mouthed apologies to Hikari along with promises to text her as he walked Shinji across the lawn. Carrying him was really no problem for Touji considering he had to keep in great shape for baseball. However with Shinji wiggling around how he was it was getting harder to keep from dropping him.

They only had a block or so to go but it was very obvious that Kaworu was having trouble holding his side of their friend up. Touji had had enough. “That’s it. I got this.” He swatted Kaworu’s hand off of their drunk friend and scooped Shinji up in his arms. “If you’re gonna get drunk and act like a baby I’m gonna carry you like a baby. You owe Nagisa big time for that little mess on the porch, y’hear me Ikari?”

Kaworu, once again, turned red and covered his face with his hand. “Toujiiiii stoooop.” He grumbled in embarrassment. “No! Putting you on the spot at a freakin’ party? _Not_ cool man. I could hear that across the goddamn lawn. And you-” He turned his attention to Kaworu. “I’ve been trying to get you to tell him forever. What the hell happened out there?”

“Well Kensuke gave him a hint and then he got curious. It’s not my fault.”

“So wait you were just going to tell him out of nowhere? No heads up? _Seriously_? You know Ikari better than that. You more than anyone should know he’d freak out. Tomorrow morning you’re going to sit down and set the record straight like a man.”

Kaworu knew he was right. Telling Shinji had just been so hard. What if Shinji didn’t like him back? What if he was grossed out? What if he wanted to move out? It was all too much to think about. Luckily Shinji probably wouldn’t remember what Touji had just said. In fact it looked like Shinji was basically asleep in Touji’s arms.

As they walked into the dorm Kaworu sent their RA a quick text to let her know the situation with his roommate being drunk and all. The only thing on his mind at that point was making sure his best friend was okay. In the elevator Touji gave his buddy a few shakes. “Hey Ikari, wake up. We’re almost to your room. You’re going to drink like a gallon of water and eat a loaf of bread or something. Got it?”

“I mean, more like a few cups of water and maybe crackers or something.” Kaworu quietly corrected. The doors of the elevator opened to the sight of their RA with her hands on her hips. “You three. His room. **Now**.” Before they could even say anything she was stomping towards their room.

Mari was a part of their close knit group of friends, unfortunately being an RA meant that she had to stay back on weekends for this exact reason. There was no way she was going to go easy on them, especially since they were so close.

Kaworu and Touji exchanged pained expressions as they followed her to their room. “Are we home?” Shinji mumbled letting his head flop from side to side. “Yeah don’t worry Shinji. We’re here, Mari’s here. We’re going to take care of you and put you to bed.” Kaworu said, softly pushing Shinji’s sweat drenched bangs away. Shinji couldn’t help but smile at him. Meanwhile Touji grimaced at their sickly sweet interaction. “Guys my arms are tired. Another time please.”

 

* * *

 

“What the hell were you two thinking!? You should know better than to let him drink like that!” She barked, slapping their arms. “That poor cute angel in there losing his lunch! I’m staying right here until you get him under control. So go fix this now.” The two boys sheepishly apologized and looked over to the cracked door in the bathroom. Shinji was awake and sitting up (with a little help from the toilet he was leaning against).

Kaworu sighed in frustration. He just wanted his roommate to feel okay again. This was a nightmare. “You know, I should be reporting you to the dean of students for this. Buuuut maybe I won’t if you give me the details of what happened with you twooo~?” She chuckled coyly. Suddenly a muffled “ _Kaworuuuu_.” Came from the bathroom.  

“Another time. I should really go check on him. I’ll bring him some more crackers.” Kaworu’s mind was only focused on getting Shinji to a point where he could go to sleep. He just wanted this night to be over.

Grabbing a new sleeve of crackers from their shelf, Kaworu gingerly knocked on the door. “Shinji, I’m coming in, okay? I brought you some more crackers.” Shinji wearily raised his head from it’s position over the toilet.

“Thanks… Can...more water please?” Shinji grumbled hoarsely. Of course, with that sweet caring smile Kaworu filled his cup and passed it back. “Thanks...think I’m done puking.” He sipped slowly on the water and ate a few more crackers. Kaworu sat down on the edge of their tub and patted him on the back. “Don’t worry, we’ll just get some sleep and you’ll feel better in the morning. You can sleep in and have some broth for breakfast. Does that sound good?” He was answered with a small groggy “Mhm.”

“Good. And then we said we would go to the bicentennial concert in the park tomorrow. You remember the event Ayanami helped plan with the student council? But that’s not until later so if you feel bad we don’t have to go, okay?” There was a small silence between the two. Kaworu was trying his best to bring them back to their everyday routine but they both knew that there was a discussion that needed to be had.

“So Kaworu... we need-we should talk tomorrow...”

“When you’re not drunk yes… you and I should talk about that… thing…”

“You like me, yeah…”

“Yeah…”

Kaworu let out a small chuckle and ran a hand through his hair. “But anyway, how are you feeling?”

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about this until tomorrow. We should talk when I’m not like this anymore.” Shinji groaned, still painfully affected by the alcohol.

Kaworu did his best to stifle a laugh but he didn’t do a very good job. “No, I mean you being drunk. Are you feeling better after the crackers and water?”

Shinji floppily nodded his head, finally understanding what Kaworu was saying. “Yeah, no I feel terrible. I just-I want to sleep now. Kaworu, will you help me do...the pajamas?” He stumbled as he stood up grabbing Kaworu’s arm for support.

“No problem, Touji can help too.” Kaworu’s heart fluttered a little bit seeing Shinji acting normally towards him after the incident at the party. Maybe there was a little hope afterall.

“Oh man, Shinji you should really brush your teeth, too.”

* * *

 

The red led clock beeped faintly as the time changed to 4a.m. Shinji was miserable. How long had he been looking at the clock for? Was he dead? He felt dead. He had been awake at least a half an hour. His head was throbbing in pain and all he really wanted was to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes it felt like he was on a ship that was ready to capsize.

He rolled over onto his side and looked at Kaworu’s bed across the room. Kaworu had been turned away from him all night. Shinji only really remembered bits and pieces of getting put into bed like Touji taking his shoes off, and Kaworu and Mari basically brushing his teeth for him. But there was something he did remember.

‘ _Shinji I have a crush on you. I like you. I want to date with you. I want to ki- How plainly can I say this?_ ’

Why did he have to remember that so well? He squeezed his eyes shut in a fit of relived embarrassment. How could he have been such a jerk? At least he didn’t make an ass out of himself by demanding Kaworu dance with him like he initially planned. But now that he was sober, did he even still like Kaworu? Those feelings and thoughts he had when he was drunk, were they just because he was drunk?

In the bed across from his he heard Kaworu stir in his sleep. Finally, he rolled over. He peered at the boy facing him. Hair gently tousled, eyes closed, lips parted, his chest slowly rising and falling. Shinji felt sparks go up his spine. There was no doubt at that moment that Shinji was sexually attracted to him at the very least.

But the more he thought about it, the more aspects of Kaworu he realized that he liked. He spent at least an hour compiling mental lists of things he liked about his friend and moments they had had together. There was no denying it.  Now that he had thrown the idea of potentially liking Kaworu around, there was no getting rid of it. It felt right. Not to mention the longer he looked at his sleeping roommate, the more...excited he felt.

This was no drunk moment of loneliness, this was real. He liked Kaworu. And Kaworu liked him back. At least he hoped that Kaworu still liked him after what had happened the night before.

But did Shinji want to date a boy? This boy? And to top it all off Shinji knew for a fact that he was sexually attracted to women. What did that mean then? He thought a bit longer.

He really liked this person. This was a person he really connected with. This was worth it to him. He wanted to have something special with Kaworu, and now that Kaworu had confessed it was up to him to make the next move.

* * *

 

The next morning was slow and painful. Light hurt. Sound hurt. Existing even kind of hurt. Just as promised, Kaworu heated up some chicken broth for Shinji and his stomach thanked him. Although it took a long time of sipping to actually finish the whole thing, Shinji was able to drink it all and keep it down. A few tylenol later he was actually feeling pretty alright.

The tension in the room, however, was thick enough to drown in. The two didn’t really say much to each other aside from Kaworu asking Shinji if he needed anything every half hour or so and the two of them deciding that they should go to the bicentennial celebration at the park. It was easy to tell that they were both nervous and trying to decide if they should talk about what happened or not. It just didn’t feel right to Shinji. Honestly, he wanted to make sure that he had some means of a quick escape if Kaworu decided that he didn’t want to be with him after all. Just the thought left Shinji’s stomach even more uneasy than it already was.

They decided having woken up late (Shinji wasn’t sure if he had ever slept until 3 in the afternoon before) that they would take the few hours they had until the concert to freshen up. They really needed it.

Shinji waited patiently for Kaworu to get out of the bathroom so that he could go scrub off all the previous night's sweat and god knows what else. However lucky for him, Kaworu was always pretty quick in the shower.

He laid on his bed with his towel and change of clothes patiently. For the first time ever he let himself freely wonder what it would be like to see Kaworu in the shower or drying himself off and it made his pulse quicken.

Now that he had finally admitted his feelings to himself there was no stopping the onslaught of daydreams, and thoughts of this boy he liked. It was almost like his brain was making up for the last several months of unknowingly having a crush.

When Kaworu finally emerged from the bathroom, wet hair, undershirt, sweatpants and towel draped around his neck, it was like Shinji was seeing him for the first time. And in a way, he was. Sure, before Shinji had always snuck a few glances but there was always something in him that told him to stop (and it sounded a lot like his father). But at that moment he let his eyes linger, well aware of his own intentions and it brought a shade of pink to his cheeks.

"Our face wash is almost out so remind me to pick some up when we're coming back from the park. Actually maybe on the way there. The store might be closed when we get back." Kaworu said, using the towel to dry behind his ears.

"Yeah also don't forget to pack a blanket. I don't want to sit on the ground if I can help it." A smile touched the corners of Kaworu's mouth and he nodded.

Shinji quickly turned away from this new Kaworu, suddenly feeling very shy. He scooped up his belongings and ducked into the bathroom maybe a little too fast.

Taking his clothes off Shinji thought about all the things that had taken place in there the night before. Kaworu's toiletries were where Shinji had put them after he had essentially destroyed the place.

Although the toilet looked clean, Shinji knew it had seen quite a bit of vomit. Thank goodness Kaworu had helped him home otherwise he would have been waking up in a mysterious frat house at the very least.

The warm water of the shower was exactly what Shinji had really needed. The heat peeled back the layers of sweat from the previous night leaving his skin tingling all over. It was just the distraction he needed to take his mind off of how he was going to tell Kaworu. He leaned his forehead against the cool tiles of the wall, looking down at the assortment of shower products that all belonged to his roommate. Shinji picked up Kaworu’s shampoo bottle and read the label several times over. It looked expensive.

His jittery thumb popped the cap open, and Shinji allowed himself to indulge in the smell that had become so familiar. A small shudder ran down his spine as the scent of eucalyptus and flowers rolled over his face. This was what he wanted to smell first thing in the morning. This was what he wanted his pillow to smell like. He just wanted Kaworu.

He took a minute to consider whether to put the shampoo back or not. Eventually he settled on the idea of using some of it. Kaworu would never even know.

Shinji poured a healthy amount of the purple shimmery gel into his palm. The liquid crept its way into all the hills and valleys of Shinji’s hand, fragrance filling the room. His senses were overstimulated with this essence he associated with Kaworu. Lathering the shampoo into his scalp felt incredible, nothing like his usual showers. The hot water in combination with the eucalyptus left all his pores open and buzzing. ‘ _Is this what Kaworu feels every time he washes his hair?_ ’

The thought of Kaworu standing right there in the shower piqued Shinji’s interest. How did Kaworu shower? Did he like the temperature hot? How did he wash his body? Did he take some time to just enjoy the water?

Shinji froze for a moment.  
‘ _Does he ever masturbate in here?_ ’ He closed his eyes for a moment. What would he look like touching himself? Better yet, what would he look like touching Shinji?

His hand crept down his chest and stomach, leaving a mildly sudsy trail behind as the water washed it clean. Shinji’s breath caught in his throat, as his hand wrapped around his already hard cock.

The slick fingers shamelessly ran up and down his length. ' _Is this is what Kaworu's hand feels like?_ ' His brow furrowed against the shower tiles and his lips parted.

The thought of Kaworu kneeling in front of him, toying with him, left Shinji's knees trembling. Slender hands gently caressing his legs, soft lips kissing down his stomach. A quiet moan tumbled out of his mouth.

His imagination was much more...vivid than he thought it would be, and it was getting him close to the edge.

Then, behind his eyelids flashed the image of Kaworu looking up at him, gingerly sucking his cock. "F-Fuck... _Ah_..." In an instant Shinji was rocking his hips into the warmth of his hand, desperately wishing it were Kaworu's sweet mouth. Faster and faster he moved his hand, his pants coming quickly.

He wanted to be able to thread his fingers through wet, silvery hair and feel Kaworu's tongue slide along his tip. ' _Shinji, you can come._ '

"Ka-Kaworu... _Ahhh_..." The words were whimpered under his breath. Just thinking of Kaworu saying something like that in a husky voice was enough to finish him off.

Shinji came in short spurts against the wall, trying to keep himself from falling over.

As he stood panting against the wall, that horrible feeling of guilt settled itself in his chest. He slowly lowered himself to sit on the shower floor. His throat felt tight, like he had a hard time swallowing. Before he even had time to think about it the tears were spilling over his face.

Shinji covered his mouth with a trembling hand to hold back the sobs. He didn't want Kaworu hearing him under any circumstances.

' _I'm so gross. I'm so fucking awful. What's wrong with me?_ ' He took a few minutes to gather himself and quiet his whimpering.

He sat holding his knees, looking at his mess.

' _He would hate me if he knew about this. I know it. I just want him to still like me. Please god, just let this work out._ '

He wet his washcloth and went to work cleaning the wall. The uncertainty of everything was killing him. He needed to get everything set straight as soon as possible if he wanted to get his life back in order. If there was any hope of starting over with Kaworu, then Shinji would do whatever he had to to make it happen.

* * *

 

Walking to the park with Kaworu was borderline painful. The silence was just crushing Shinji and making him uneasy. Everytime he said something Kaworu was quick to respond cheerfully, but Kaworu wasn’t the only one who knew his roommate well. Shinji was positive that Kaworu was a nervous wreck. The more upset he got, the more it seemed like he wanted to put everyone else at ease. For a minute Shinji considered trying to talk to Kaworu about the situation during their walk, but anxiety leapt into action, punching Shinji square in the chest. What if Kaworu rejected him and they had to spend the whole evening together awkwardly? Or worse, what if Kaworu decided that he wanted to leave? It was too much to think about.

Eventually Shinji gave up on the small talk and took his phone out. He had to find out where to meet their friends, and maybe try to get a minute alone with Kaworu.

**> Touji where are you guys? Who’s here?**

**> >Its me Hikari, Kensuke and Asuka. near the gazebo by the trees n stuff.**

**> K kaworu sees you so we’re going to set our blanket down behind you guys**

**> >Gonna talk about the thing?**

**> Shut up**

Touji may have been a huge goofball, but Shinji had come to realize that he was incredibly perceptive. It was a little scary knowing that Kaworu wasn’t the only one able to read him like an open book, but it was nice to know that there was someone else who paid that much attention to him.

Their group of friends welcomed them excitedly. Kensuke looked a little better than he did the day before, but still not necessarily well enough to be out and about. Hikari and Touji were sitting rather close, and Shinji hoped that they had finally told each other how they felt, but he had his own problems to worry about for the time being.

“There you dorks are! What took you so long!? The concert is almost over. Ayanami was worried that you guys weren’t going to show up!” Asuka snapped pointing at the spot on the ground where she intended for them to sit. “We’re not dogs…” Shinji breathed under his breath as he helped Kaworu roll out their blanket behind everyone.

“What was that?” It was more of a warning than a question. “I-I said I took too long in the shower…” And it was true. What was supposed to be a few minutes turned into an hour easily. The fact that Kaworu didn’t knock on the door to hurry him up was a huge indicator of how uncomfortable he must have felt and it was killing Shinji inside.

He sat back on the blanket and ran a gentle touch over the pilled fleece fabric. It was just a plain blue blanket that laid on their chair and he had been wrapped up in it so many times. It was kind of nice to have a comforting object around. Especially before going through one of the most terrifying things he had done in a long time.

The band in the gazebo played cutesy folk and blues type music. Normally he would have sort of enjoyed the event (aside from the number of people that were there) but every single one of their friends seemed to have become infected by the heavy atmosphere that he and Kaworu brought with them.

His pulse sped up and left him mildly shivering. The attention, although indirect, was focused at him. Even if they were his friends, the thought of being stared at by anyone made him feel like fainting. The sooner he got this over with the sooner everything would be normal again. A tingling sensation danced all the way down to his fingers as he turned, trying to make out his friend’s features in the dark.

“Um… So Kaworu can we… uh-”

“I-I’m going to go get us some drinks from the snack stand. I-I’ll go grab us some hot cocoa.” Kaworu all but sprinted away towards a line of food trucks parked across the lawn. Maybe he didn’t want to talk at all. At this rate nothing would get done. Suddenly there were four pairs of eyes acutely pointed at Shinji. He had everyone’s full attention and it made him shy away.

“What was that? Are you going to talk about the... _thing_ , or aren’t you!?” Touji whispered angrily. It came out more like a hoarse shout, but the intention at least was to be discreet.

“I-I-I don’t know! I’m trying to bring up the... _thing_ , but he doesn’t seem like he wants to talk o-or something.” He ran his hands over his face trying to calm himself down.

“Wait, Shinji-” Asuka grabbed his head and made him look at her. “Is this just Kaworu’s... _thing_ or do you _both_ have a thing?”

His face heated up and he brought his hands back up to hide it. It was too embarrassing to talk about.

“Guys, what are we talking about? I’ve been out of the loop for like a week.” Shinji wasn’t about to fill Kensuke in. He needed to relearn how to breathe first.

“Oh my gosh it’s both of you!? Are you sure this wasn’t just because he took care of you when you were barfing your guts out?”

“T-Touji! You told!?” He was almost mortified enough to die. Or at least throw up again.

“Ikari listen! The fireworks are starting right after this last band and you’ll be able to talk. Just go for it!"

To say he was confused was an understatement. "Why should I wait for the fireworks?"

“Because no one's going to to pay attention to you when there are fireworks!” Hikari butted in. Touji looked his friend square in the face.

"...Because it would be _so_ freakin' cool."

Shinji used his feet to push Touji over. The two of them couldn't help but share a weak laugh. Who knew? Maybe it wasn't a bad idea to try and make their discussion a little romantic. He had been so focused on the possible negative outcomes that he had lost sight of the fact he was doing this because he had romantic feelings for Kaworu.

He wasn't entirely sure what romance entailed but he trusted Touji's judgment. Kaworu returning with the hot cocoa Shinji hadn't even asked for, made him start a mental countdown. As the band signed off and began packing up Shinji's pulse began sprinting. Only minutes away. He downed the burning cocoa to distract himself.

"I really liked the band. They just did a cover of Freedom Hangs Like Heaven when you were getting the-the things over there."

"Oh is that that guy you like? The musician I mean. You know what I mean." Small smiles crept across their lips.

“Yeah I put him on that playlist I gave you. Don't tell me you haven't listened to it yet!”

“Sorry, sorry, I'm horrible trash. Forgive me!” He did his best to bite back a smile.

This was what Shinji wanted. He wanted these little interactions every day. These small comforts. It was moments like this that made him remember what had drawn him to Kaworu in the first place.

Just being close to him was enough to help calm Shinji down. Of course that didn't mean he wasn't nervous. It honestly felt like he would puke, but there was no way he was going to let that happen twice in two days.

As the fireworks were being set up, the group recounted what happened to each of them the previous night. After hearing about Kensuke and Asuka's nights it was a little reassuring that Shinji wasn't the only one who wound up having a rough night getting acquainted with the toilet. It was one of the first times he had been able to smile freely since the previous night.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BICENTENNIAL FIREWORKS DISPLAY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN! EAR PLUGS ARE PROVIDED AT THE GAZEBO FOR CHILDREN AND THOSE WITH SENSITIVE EARS. PLEASE NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY OR BRIGHT SCREENS..." A man read off a list of announcements over the gazebo's microphone.

This was it. The expectation set on his shoulders by not just his friends but by himself was crushing. All Shinji could do was replay Kaworu's confession over and over in his head to reassure him that this wasn't a huge mistake.

**_BOOM_ **

The shock from the first firework lighting up the sky went straight to Shinji's chest and he yelped. He instinctively looked to Kaworu for reassurance and the pale boy was just chuckling at his friend sweetly.

"Surprised?"

That was all it took to make Shinji into a flustered wreck. At least it was too dark for Kaworu to see. He was thankful for that.

Keeping his eyes on the shimmering bursts of light in the sky, the brunette scooted closer to the other boy. Kaworu flinched.

"So Kaworu..." Oh god, his veins were about to burst. "...about last night-"

"Don't...I just... Let's just enjoy this." He may have been smiling, but even an idiot could see he wasn't happy.

"...N-No." Things froze.

"Kaworu I've never... felt that way about anyone really... So I don't know what to do here..." Was his skin cooking? He didn't think his face could feel much hotter.

"O-Oh. T-That's ok-kay." Kaworu's voice wavered. “I didn’t-I wasn’t e-expecting you… to l-l-like me…” Panic struck, and Shinji couldn't look at him. He didn't want to see Kaworu cry. It started almost unnoticeable at first but soon it was easy to hear Kaworu blubbering. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. He wanted to fix this instantly.

"N-No! Kaworu! Um...what I mean is...I think you might be the first person I've f-felt this way about." He did it. He couldn't believe that he actually did it. Both of them sat speechless, listening to the sound of the fireworks. It was making Shinji more uncomfortable than he had been before. Why wouldn't Kaworu say something? Had he done something wrong? Was he not clear enough?

Shakily Shinji reached his hand over and put it on Kaworu's cold slender one. He could feel his friend twitch at the touch, and even after Shinji’s fingers curled around it Kaworu’s hand continued to shiver.

"I li...like you. You're...good." He wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore. His nerves had left him a rattling mess. "Kaworu...D-Do you...like me back?"

Kaworu brought up his other hand up to cover his eyes, shoulders shaking with each sob. Head bowed trying to hide his teary face. All he could manage to do was nod and weep. With some amount of force, he finally gripped Shinji’s hand in return. “O-Of _course_ I d-o-o-o-o…” he wailed.

Kaworu’s crying was ferocious and loud. It was all of the unveiled emotion that Shinji had never seen before but was grateful to have the chance to witness. It was almost nice to see him this way; nose dripping, chin quivering as every guttural sound ripped from his throat. Sometimes Shinji had to remind himself that even this person who he looked up to constantly was still just a person. The booms of the fireworks were nothing compared to the weight that Kaworu’s strangled cries had on him.

Before long Shinji felt a few of his own tears rolling down his cheeks, he was quick to wipe them away. “You like me. We like each other.” he breathed. It was more of an affirmation to himself than anything else. It was real. He was nowhere near the mess that the pale young man next to him was but he still felt the same unbridled joy. Scooching in closer, Shinji leaned his head on Kaworu’s trembling shoulders, listening to the choked sobs that continued to tumble out of his mouth.

“This is usually the other way around.” He said sniffling away any remaining traces of his tears. “But I’m glad it’s not me for once.”

Shinji had never really been on the giving end of calming someone down, so he did the only thing he could think to do. Cupping Kaworu’s hand, he pulled it to his chest, hoping that this pile of snot and tears masquerading as Kaworu could feel the violent drumming of his pulse against his ribs.

“I feel like I’m going to pass out.” He whispered clenching the cold bony hand a little tighter. With a loud sniffle Kaworu moved his other hand away from his red briney eyes. His lashes clumped and stuck together like honey, nostrils flaring, face shimmering wet.

"I really like you. My god, do I like you. I’m so happy." Even with a face contorted with stress, he was so incredibly beautiful.

“I’m not used to this kind of thing... But me too. I’m so glad you like me back… Just I mean- Kaworu, why did you wait so long to tell me?”

The silvery young man wiped his face with the heels of his hands again, making himself look a little more normal.

“I've listened to you talk about girls. I tried to drop hints... I guess I just figured...you know. I'm not exactly a girl.”

Kaworu was right. He wasn't a girl. Shinji looked him over for a moment. He may have not been a woman, but Shinji knew one thing- he had never been this attracted to any woman in his entire life.

“I like you how you are.” The two of them stared at each other and smiled shyly. Shinji wondered if they were going to kiss. Oh no, was he ready to kiss someone? He had never done it before. Was he expecting too much? He nervously licked his lips wondering what Kaworu was thinking. Luckily Shinji didn't have to wonder for long.

A slender arm curled around his waist, a thumb hooked in his pocket pulling Shinji to his roommate again. Kaworu's soft touch made his skin prickle. Attempting to situate their bodies to sit front to back left them flustered in the best way.

When Shinji felt Kaworu's chin rest on his shoulder, there was nothing he could do to keep his breath from hitching behind his smile. The fireworks were the last thing on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Shinji was really fun to write for like holy cow. Also I totally headcanon the group calling Kaworu 'Karl' when he's being a big nerd haaaa. Sorry I took so long to post this chapter. The wonderful Heibo is now my beta and did an incredible job.  
> The next chapter should be up sooner. There will be 3 more chapters of this fic, but I decided to make this a part of a college au series, so more Kawoshin to come after this is all done. Also feel free to follow me at grilledsneakers on tumblr for more updates! Thanks for coming back!

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man, this is my first story in a while and it has been consuming me. Obviously I was listening to a lot of Karen O. when I was writing this. The next chapter should be up pretty soon. 
> 
> Beta'd by bitshiftorr


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